Questions and doubts.

I wonder a lot, or shall I say every day, whether I am doing a good job with my boys. I'm sure every mom goes through this in their head. Some days, a lot of days, I feel like I'm failing them.

 Like I spend too much time yelling.

Not enough time playing.

Too much time running here and there.

Not enough time cuddling.

Am I raising 3 boys who will be respectful, caring human beings? 

Will they make the right choices when faced with the wrong ones?

How do I know I'm doing this right? Because I have no idea!

I watch Aiden struggle to make eye contact with people or keep a coherant conversation going. Someone will be talking to him and he won't look at them, or will change the conversation to something totally irrelevant. I watch him not get jokes or sarcasm. I watch him push himself on his peers in an attempt to be accepted. I watch him play by himself, perfectly content to be lost in his own lego world with his 1912 music playing in the background. Am I doing a good job for him?  I yell at him too much.  I don't have enough patience when dealing with his adhd. Is that hurting him?  When he grows up, is he going to remember me with love or just remember when I yelled? I have no idea anymore.  I love him more than life....why can't I be patient with him?

Or I watch Grady sitting in the backyard, alone in his little sandbox. He's perfectly happy with his new toy, but shouldn't I be there with him? Is it my fault he has delays?  Did I spend too much time on facebook and not enough time teaching him how to play?  What did I do wrong? Is my child going to struggle because I didn't spend enough time with him or because of some quirk in genetics?  I don't know. People say I've done such a good job because I've had him in EI and therapy since I noticed delays....but what if I caused them?

Some days I just feel like I'm not doing a good job at all. My boys are my life, I can't even express how much I love them. But is love enough? 

There's a lot of Mom's on my facebook that really make me feel like I'm doing a horrible job. Their kids are already being homeschooled, writing their names and drawing pictures or learning new languages. They balance being mom, teacher, wife and housekeeper all while being perfect and never breaking a sweat. Their kids never eat fast food or spaghetti O's. Their kids never seem to misbehave, because Mom sets the rules and everyone follows without a peep. They are perfect and normal. No adhd, aspbergers, developmental delays, body weakness, chronic cough, asthma, or a weak immune systems.

Sometimes I feel like I can't handle it all. I can't live up to those perfect Mom's.  My kids eat spaghetti O's...on a semi regular basis. They eat McDonals and love it. And they only speak english. They hate drawing and Grady can only barely form a "G". Next to those Mom's I feel like a total failure. After all, I don't hold a job. I'm with my kids 24/7. Shouldn't I be doing more?

But then I see Aiden's beautiful report card filled with straight A's. Or hear him play Amazing Grace with much skill. Or seeing his face light up when he gets new legos.

And Grady says something hilarious that keeps me giggling all day or has to run up and give me a big hug. Or smiles up at me and announces he's having "SO much fun!"

And Liam leans in to give me a sloppy, slobbery kiss on my hand as I push the cart through the store. And then my little squishy gives me his perfect grin because he's so proud of himself.

And I know....I may never, ever live up to the Super Mom's. I will always question myself and my skills as a mother...but for now, I think I'm doing an okay job.




I love you Aiden, Grady and Liam. More than you will ever know.